Safe and sound

Lots of excitement today -- without even leaving our hotel room!

As most savvy travelers do, we always store our valuables in our room safe -- assuming the room has one and assuming our “valuables” will all fit into something smaller than an oversized band-aid box. If the room lacks a room safe, we simply “hide” our valuables somewhere in our room where nobody could ever find them -- including us, of course, at which time we must resort to asking the maid if she happened to find, say, our passports, upon which she marches straight over to the bedside table, picks it up and points to them sitting on the floor.

But this, being a four-star hotel and all, does provide a room safe which we have used at least ten times since arriving. (I always put our cell phones in the safe; don’t ask me why. Maybe because they fit.)

It is no secret -- at least not now -- that I use my birthday for the self-set code. It always works brilliantly since I rarely forget my own birthday -- no matter how much champagne I have consumed. This morning, however, it did not work. After entering it the first time, the word “error” flashed on the little electronic screen and I wondered, momentarily, if I had in fact, forgotten my own birthday after all. I re-entered it, very slowly and deliberately. 0-6-0-1-4-8. Again, the little screen registered “ERROR” -- but this time it was followed by the number “2”.

Oh. So you’re keeping track, eh?

I realized I’d better have a witness the third time, so I called the only person I could think of, Brad, who happened to be sitting on the bed two feet away.

“Oh, Brad...?” I said. “The safe code doesn’t seem to be working.”

“Are you sure you know the right number?”

“You mean, do I know my own birthday? Yes, I believe I do.”

“No, I mean, are you sure you pressed the buttons correctly?”

This question befuddled me momentarily. Gosh...do I really know how to push buttons? When was the last time I pushed one? Did I do it right? Isn’t it merely a matter of extending one’s finger and exerting pressure? What have I been doing all these years?

But, keeping these thoughts to myself, I simply replied, witheringly, “Yes. Well, why don’t you watch me do it to see that I do it correctly?”

And he did. 0-6-0-1-4-8, we entered together.

ERROR3! It might as well have added YOU’RE OUT! Because, indeed, we were. Pushing even one button thereafter resulted in a terrible beeping sound and the flashing ERROR3 sign.

I had pretty much resigned myself to leaving our cell phones, passports, car key and wallets with all our money in the safe forever until I realized my iPod was also locked up inside. Then I knew we were in trouble.

If you’ve ever read the instructions on one of these little safes, you know you are not to lose the combination NO MATTER WHAT. I seem to recall that most of them warn that if you do, you will be fined $3,700 and your ear will be cut off. But, on this one, since the warning is in French, I realized it could threaten even worse consequences.

The reason for this is simple. You use the safe because you don’t want the maid, or bell hop or doorman stealing your valuables, so they arrange it so only you can access the safe. If you lose the combination, or forget your own birthday, for example, a locksmith must be called -- at great expense and inconvenience -- and they are allowed to shout ugly things to you in French before cutting open the safe with a blowtorch (and therefore incinerating your passports.)

It turns out that is not quite accurate. If you forget the combination, you simply flag down the first hotel employee you see wandering down the hall -- in our case, it happened to be the doorman -- and ask him what to do. He, in turn, simply reaches in his pocket, takes out a KEY and enters your room, unlocks the safe and walks away with the ten euros you’ve just given him to show your gratitude. It turns out your valuables would have been more secure in the mini-bar which is checked at least four times a day to see that someone hasn’t consumed that $15 Toblerone bar.

We’re off to the Picasso/Cezanne exhibit. Our valuables, in case you’re interested, are next to the Toblerone bar.

More later...